


We Found Love

by Hepburn_Junkie22



Category: Major Crimes (TV), The Closer
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 13:04:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14874279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hepburn_Junkie22/pseuds/Hepburn_Junkie22
Summary: This is a story courtesy of closerficfect over on Tumblr. It is definitely AU and a story of the Brenda/Sharon variety. Prompt: #2 Brenda/Sharon - Brenda spends her first Christmas without Willie Rae with Sharon and her kids.PS: Reviews = love!PPS: song: "Thinking Out Loud," by Ed Sheeran, cover by Alex G





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always the characters and their respective shows aren't mine, but the story is most certainly of my own creation.

It was so hard…just so hard. To be completely honest she didn't even want to get out of bed. This time of year was always her Mama's favorite and she didn't have the energy to get up and cope with all of her emotions. She wasn't flying out to Atlanta to be with her Daddy because she didn't know if she could keep up the charade of being ok; she'd had to do it over the last few months while staying with him and she didn't have the energy to anymore. Her brothers would be staying with him and she hoped that was enough.

She hadn't even been in the mood to buy a tree this year or put up the Christmas decorations. Her apartment was still littered with boxes and ore boxes, sitting and waiting for the day that her energy would return so she could handle them. She had moved all of her stuff out of the bungalow when she and Fritz had both agreed their relationship wasn't working anymore; too many things had changed, she was a different person after all.

Brenda had tried, tried harder than she ever had to keep them going, all the while her Mama's voice was in the back of her head encouraging her to do what she wanted…to just be happy. It was funny it took her so long to notice that the voice wasn't stronger in Fritz's presence, but some one else's. The eyes she got lost in were no longer a deep brown but a piercing green seen behind lenses of her glasses. She didn't know where she'd be right now if it wasn't for Sharon and her unwavering yet non suffocating support. She was one of Brenda's closest and most loved friends.

But that was part of the problem wasn't it?

If Brenda was honest with her self she didn't just want the brunette as a friend; she wanted so much more than that. She wanted to be able to express to Sharon how she felt, run her fingers through the dark strands and kiss the soft lips. She had been worried at first that this infatuation was just because of her Mama's…passing and her split from Fritz. She tried to rationalize it by telling herself that she was only lonely and maybe even a little lost; she didn't want to hurt Sharon. But the more she though about and dissected her feelings the more she began to realize that maybe they hadn't come completely out of the blue.

And now she was faced with a Major dilemma. The Captain had invited her over to her condo to spend Christmas Eve with her, Rusty, and her other two children. She had told Brenda that they would make homemade cookies and sip hot chocolate while watching Rusty playfully spar with Emily and Ricky. Later they would all settle down around the TV and watch whatever seasonal movie was on, most likely a White Christmas, it happened to be Sharon's favorite.

It all sounded so wonderful and peaceful and domestic. She wasn't sure she would be able to keep herself together, and with the way she was feeling now Brenda wasn't sure she'd be the best company tonight. She pulled the down comforter up over head and wished she could just stay there in the warm cocoon she had created, away from the outside world…away from having to face her demons. She knew what she needed to do but that doesn't mean she had to like it.

She reached her hand out from under the comforter and groped around the bedside table for her cell phone. The screen was bright under the blanket making her eyes squint slightly as she scrolled and found the familiar contact. Closing her eyes, she let her finger touch the tiny phone button and waited as the dial tone filled her ears. It was only a few seconds before the excited voice of Sharon wafted over the blonde.

"Hello Brenda," she could hear the smile in the other woman's voice.

Smiling herself she returned the greeting, "Sharon…is this a bad time?"

She could hear the brunette situating her self on the other end of the line, setting something metal down on the counter. She could only imagine what Sharon was doing in the kitchen, from past experiences she knew it was preparing some delicious meal, maybe even prepping the cookie dough for later tonight.

"Not at all," she sounded a little breathless, "what's up?"

Brenda swallowed painfully, "I wanted to talk to you about tonight…"

The other end of the line was silent except for the occasional exhale; she knew the Captain was listening.

"What about it?" Sharon prompted when Brenda failed to continue.

In that moment the former Deputy Chief could hear the uncertainty and building disappointment in her friends voice. She could hear the sadness and the acceptance; Sharon knew that she was calling to cancel their evening together. Although Brenda knew the older woman would be gracious and accept any reasoning she gave, she knew she couldn't disappoint her. She had already done that to many people in her lifetime, she wouldn't be adding Sharon to the list.

The blonde swallowed once again, "Are you sure I cant bring anythin'?"

The shift in Sharon's demeanor was palpable; she could feel the relief and excitement return over the phone line. Brenda smiled softly to her self at the feeling.

"Just yourself," the brunette repeated, "And maybe a bottle of wine if you feel so inclined."

Brenda nodded to herself, "Any particular type?"

"Well," she drawled, "Emmy likes red like you, I think I have a bottle of white for Ricky and I…"

"I'll pick up a bottle of each," Brenda interrupted.

There was a pause on the other end of the line and then Sharon continued talking.

"That's very thoughtful of you, Brenda Leigh."

She could feel a lump rising in the back of her throat at the use of her name; the only other person who had called her more often by her full name was her Mama. She loved hearing the sound of it roll off Sharon's tongue, laced with friendliness and what she hoped was love, she didn't hear that all that often anymore.

"So," Brenda cleared her throat, "what time should I come over?"

The older woman hummed thoughtfully. The sound never failed to send shivers down Brenda's spine, something about the decadent sound coming from the distinguished brunette. She had never imagined she would find anything sexier that the sounds Sharon Raydor made.

"Shall we say six?" she questioned, "You can help me set the table and it'll give you time to prepare for Ricky and Emily."

Brenda smiled shyly, "I'm not nervous."

"Liar." Sharon teased back.

The blonde laughed quietly, "Ok maybe just a little, but I'm sure I'll love them as much as their Mama."

When the words left her mouth she wished she could call them back. Now all she hear don the other end was silence, not the comfortable silence of earlier but this was filled with a tense unease. Brenda mentally berated her self, she couldn't believe she'd let her guard down and said something so completely stupid. She hadn't meant to make the Captain uncomfortable.

What was Sharon thinking?

"Sharon?" she tried hesitantly, "I'll see you later tonight?"

The answer was slow in coming, "Yes of course."

"Ok," Brenda relented, "bye, bye now."

The blonde didn't wait for a response and let the line go dead. She sat up slowly in the bed and let the comforter off of her shoulders to pool on the bed. Scrubbing her face with her hands she made a slight grimace. She had actually begun to look forward to the evening…now she wasn't so sure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m really loving this story so far and I hope all of you are too! And just a forewarning, I like to make my characters suffer sometimes, so just bear with me!
> 
> As always reviews are love!

 

Brenda arrived at Sharon’s door promptly, but she hesitated before she could knock on the door. She readjusted her purse and shuffled the wine bottles from hand to hand, pulling nervously at the sleeves of her red sweater. It wasn’t anything special, but it was comfortable and she felt she needed a little of that tonight. The material was well worn but still in good condition and it wasn’t a bright color like the blonde was famous for either, this was more of a rich red…dark like her wine.  She had paired it with a pair of light wash jeans and black ankle boots; the finishing touch a simple diamond pendant her Mama had given her a few years ago. As the younger woman ran her hands through her hair, she sent a silent thank you to whatever higher power for allowing her curls to cooperate tonight.

She hadn’t thought about her outfit choice when she’d thrown it on earlier, she had been too nervous about seeing Sharon. She couldn’t shake the feeling of dread as she debated on whether to knock or ring the doorbell. Brenda wished she hadn’t stuck her foot in her mouth over the phone, she wished she could take what she said back, because knowing Sharon it was either going to sit in the corner of the room like a certain elephant or she would question the blonde head on.

  
Brenda dreaded either situation if she was being honest.

  
She was still deeply lost in thought when the door swung inward suddenly.

  
“Yes I know Shar…oh.” Rusty stopped midsentence at the sight before him.

  
For a moment, just a moment, Brenda looked like a deer in the headlights. Her brown eyes became large and fearful, but just a quickly those emotions were dashed and replaced by embarrassment. A deep red color washed across her cheeks as she looked down at her shoes, readjusting the bottles once again.

  
He smiled teasingly, “Hi Brenda.”

  
“Hello Rusty,” she offered softly.

  
At the tone of her voice the boy couldn’t help but tilt his head in question, then he finally noticed that she didn’t look to be in the best of moods. Sharon had warned him that she might be a little withdrawn, but to him she seemed more nervous than anything.

 

He hooked his thumb in the direction of the condo, “Did you want to…come in?”

  
She looked briefly over his shoulder and into the interior. She nodded her head slightly, almost reluctantly. He could see her pulling nervously on the cuffs of her sweater…he thought she looked nice. He backed up through the doorway and ushered her in, watching as she placed the wine on the side table and took a seat on the couch. She perched precariously on the edge; she looked as if she was about to bolt…there was that deer analogy again.

  
“I was on my way to pick up Rick and Em,” he cleared his throat, “did you want me to let Sharon know you were here?”

  
She glanced from him to down the hall before answering, “No thank you, Rusty, I’m sure she’s almost done.”

  
He shrugged slightly, “Suit yourself…traffic permitting I’ll see you in an hour then.”

  
Brenda nodded absently as she watched the sandy blonde head slip through the door and softly close it behind him. She faced forward on the couch once again, relieved to have at least a few more minutes alone with her thoughts. She was slowly playing out the scenarios in her head, rehearsing what she would say according to how the brunette would start the conversation.

  
It was then that she noticed the tree in the corner of the room. It wasn’t decorated yet, as per Sharon’s tradition, but it was draped in white lights that cast a warm glow on the room. The sight mesmerized the younger woman; she couldn’t help but get to her feet and wander closer, inhaling the scent of fresh pine. She smiled at that; her Mama had always insisted in a fresh tree…it seemed so did Sharon.

  
She ran her hands softly along the branches, marveling at the stickiness of the pine and the warmth from the LED bulbs. She could almost imagine her Mama standing behind her holding what would be the box of ornaments from the attic and Bing Crosby crooning in the background. The warm smell of cinnamon and vanilla would be wafting from the kitchen, as would the sounds of dishes and pans clinking softly.

  
A wave of sudden tears sprang to her eyes, she hadn’t allowed herself to cry in weeks, but for some reason this day had seemed to hit a chord with her. She was woman enough to admit that she missed her Mama and she missed her desperately. Brenda blinked her eyes quickly, willing the tears to stay at bay, and fanning her cheeks to chase away the emotional blush.

  
She was so caught up in her emotional upheaval that she never noticed the figure watching her, leant against the wall of the hallway.

Sharon had come down the hall, in the process of fastening one of her earrings, when she had turned the corner and stopped abruptly. When she realized it was Brenda staring at her tree so intently she relaxed slightly as her anxiety began to fade…she knew she’d heard Rusty talking to someone as he walked out the front door.

 

* * *

 

  
“Do you like it?” she questioned softly.

  
Even though Sharon’s voice was soft, she still startled Brenda to the point of involuntarily jumping. She turned around and came face to face with something she was sure that she’d never forget. She could feel her mouth go dry as she struggled to say something intelligible, to say something at all.

  
Sharon, for lack of a better word, looked beautiful.

  
The older woman was dressed in a dress that was tasteful and sinful at the same time, if that was even possible. The dress itself was cut conservatively, boasting a high collar with quarter length sleeves and the hem stopped just above her knees. It seemed to shimmer as she walked, first it was a dark material, but as she came closer to Brenda, the younger woman could see the material caught under the light turn to a lighter more vibrant green.

  
It matched her eyes perfectly.

  
Her makeup was different as well, less pronounced if Brenda had to guess, more natural than she was used to. The eyes she had gotten lost in so many times were no longer outlined in a smoky color, but a natural tone used to bring out the color of her eyes, bright behind her lenses. Her hair was loose and curled, hanging softly above her shoulders in the way that made the blonde itch to run her hands through it.

  
The smile she gave to Brenda was so sweet and disarming; she looked genuinely pleased to see the younger woman.

  
“Yes,” Brenda cleared her throat slightly, “Yes, its beautiful.”

  
Sharon laughed softly, “There isn’t even any decorations on it yet.”

  
The older woman watched as her Chief began to fidget, before turning back to the tree. She could barely see the movement of the blonde’s hands, but she could tell she was wringing them nervously.

  
“I know,” Brenda continued, “but this was my favorite part…I just love the lights.”

  
Sharon looked confused at the other woman, or maybe she was just confused by her behavior Brenda reasoned. She faced the older woman once again; forcing a smile that she hoped was somewhat believable.

  
She shoved her hands into her jean pockets, “Thank you again for the invitation, Sharon.”

  
“Of course,” Sharon intoned, “no one should be alone on Christmas Eve.”

  
She said it so matter of fact that it struck Brenda as odd, just a nonchalant conversation between friends…nothing to it.

  
She nodded her head in agreement and turned back to the tree, mulling over what Sharon had said. Maybe it was just that, she was a friend who wasn’t supposed to be alone tonight and nothing more. She couldn’t help the feelings that came over her, she wanted to go home and curl up under her comforter once again.  
She hated that she had read too much into the situation and she hated that she was intruding upon Sharon and her children tonight. She should be spending the evening with them, not Brenda, especially with the mood she seemed to be in.

  
The younger woman rubbed her arms slowly, willing the sudden chill to leave her, and hoping that she could pull herself together to at least make it through dinner. Maybe then she could claim a headache or stomach bug and then head home.

  
She could only hope.

  
When she faced Sharon once again, Brenda’s smile was forced but it was there nonetheless.

  
“So what would you like me to do?” she questioned.

  
The brunette waved in the direction of the kitchen, beckoning the blonde to follow behind her with a flick of her hand. For all her powers of observation, Sharon seemed to be oblivious to the change in Brenda’s mood.

  
“You can chop the vegetables for the salad…” she trailed off as she rounded the corner.

  
Brenda was too lost in thought to pay attention to Sharon’s ramblings anyway; her head seemed to be swimming. She looked at the tree one more time and sighed dejectedly; she knew she shouldn’t have come tonight. She slowly trailed over to the couch, picked up both bottles of wine and moved in the direction of the kitchen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little longer, and I love the dynamic between Sharon and her kids. i love writing it and Brendas interactions when confronted with the most important things in the Captain's life.
> 
> As always: reviews = love!

Brenda never ended up getting to go home; every time she tried to make some excuse Sharon would blow right over it. After some time the blonde gave up and let the evening unfold as it would.

When Rusty returned with Emily and Ricky, to say Brenda was relieved would have been an understatement. The conversation between her and Sharon, although not unpleasant, had been tense and stilted in some areas. No matter how hard the brunette tried, she couldn’t engage Brenda in their normal type of conversation. The younger woman’s heart didn’t seem to be in it anymore.

Every time Sharon would watch Brenda out of the corner of her eye, she could see the other woman staring off into space, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. Ever since the conversation earlier in the day over the phone, she had seemed different…more isolated and sad.

When there was a lull in the festivities, Brenda slipped through the sliding glass door that lead to the balcony and looked out over the Los Angeles landscape. As she sidled up to the railing she couldn’t help the calm that seemed to descend over her. The sight would overwhelm most people she knew, such a large scope that you seem to be such a small part of. It made her relax and release, at least she knew she had a set place in the universe.

“I’d wondered where you had run off to,” although the voice was vaguely familiar, the pitch was different, lighter some how.

When Brenda turned around she was surprised to see not Sharon but Emily instead. When she had first met the woman she was astounded by the resemblance between Sharon and the young woman. Their mannerisms, their inflections on certain words, the slight lift of their lips when they found something amusing. Brenda had expected the younger woman to be similar to her mama, but not an exact copy or mirror image. It gave the blonde the chance to imagine what the Captain had been like when she was younger; it gave her a glimpse into what the Sharon Raydor she now knew had risen from.

“I wasn’t hidin’,” Brenda insisted.

The younger woman quirked her lips, “Of course you weren’t.” That tone…so much like her Mama.

Brenda looked outward again, “I wasn’t…just needed a little air is all.”

Then came the sound of a familiar snort, the same one Sharon would let loose when she found something extra amusing. The blonde watched as Emily moved to stand across from her. Her hands were folded in front of her and across her chest, her eyes serious and mouth set in a firm, thin line.

_So her Mama…_

“You seemed to enjoy yourself,” Emily hedged, “I’m glad I finally got to meet you.

The older woman’s dimples appeared in full force; she could tell the warmth and affection in Emily’s voice was sincere, as was the relief. It warmed Brenda’s heart to know that Sharon’s children liked her as much as she liked them. Even though she’d never met the two older kids before tonight, Brenda felt like she knew them already, Sharon constantly talked of them and to them.

The blonde had been subject to more than one dinner or movie night being interrupted by a surprise Face Time call. Inevitably the evening would dissipate the more Sharon became engrossed in the conversation and eventually Brenda learned when to take her leave. She wasn’t disappointed when that happened, she loved how much the brunette loved her children; that she could accept.

She bowed her head, “It was a pleasure getting’ to meet you and your brother.”

There was that smirk again, a slight lift to her lips. Emily moved closer, “My Mom talks about you a lot…always signing your praises.”

Brenda nodded her head, not willing to speak just yet, she wasn’t sure she would be able to control herself. She didn’t want to relive what had happened earlier in the day. Things were already awkward between herself and Sharon, no need to involve the younger woman as well.

“Well,” Brenda drawled, “She talks a lot about you two as well, and when it isn’t you guys, its Rusty.”

Emily’s smile was indulgent, “But she’s my mom…what is she to you?”

And there it was, the pink elephant in the room that she and Sharon had so studiously ignored. She wasn’t offended of taken aback by the younger woman’s question, after all she had a good point, and Sharon was her mom. Brenda wasn’t quite sure how to answer the question or even if she should.

“I’m not so sure,” the older woman started, “that we should be discussing this…”

“She wont talk to me about you,” the younger brunette interrupted, “she talks about you, but not about you.”

Emily giggled slightly, “If that makes any sense,” she then shook her head ruefully.

Brenda shrugged slightly, “It does…she definitely has a way to get around certain things and situations.”

“That she does,” the young woman nodded in agreement.

The silence stretched but it was neither awkward nor uncomfortable; the two women seemed to be processing what had ben said so far. They were each contemplative, lost in their own thoughts, floating away softly.

Brenda cleared her throat, “I will say this however…your mama has been a God send for me this last year.”

The blonde paused for a moment, willing the sudden tears he could feel gathering in the corner of her eyes, to stay right where they were. She was speaking the truth and that she could attest to.

“I’m not sure where I would be if it wasn’t for her.”

With that heavy confession, they became quiet once again and looked solemnly at one another, gauging their reactions. Emily must have seen something she liked because she reached over and patted Brenda on the shoulder gently; heat seared the blonde’s skin. When she stepped back her smile was bright and wide, her eyes sparkled as she regarded the older woman. She was everything her mom had said and then some.

“I’m heading inside,” Emily said as she rubbed her arms, “its freezing out here!”

Brenda smiled softly, “Thank you Emily.”

“You’re welcome Brenda,” and with that the younger woman slipped through the sliding glass door and back into the warmth of the living room.

 

* * *

 

 

Sharon watched Emily reenter the apartment, smiling as she flopped between her brothers on the couch. She could hear the whining and groaning from her vantage point in the kitchen. She was standing in front of the sink, absentmindedly washing the dirty dishes. They all had offered, even Brenda, to help clean up since Sharon had cooked and worked in the kitchen all day. However, truth be told, she enjoyed the clean up aspect; the quiet and solitude of doing dishes, it gave her time to think and reflect.

She didn’t know how to respond to Brenda; she didn’t know how to broach the subject. From the moment Sharon had come upon the younger woman staring at the lit tree, she had seemed distant and unresponsive. She had responded accordingly when prompted and had seemed to enjoy the kids, but with Sharon all these things fell away.

The older brunette laid the dishtowel on the counter, looking up when she heard the balcony door open and shut once again. She leaned forward, looking into the living room over the bar counter, and saw Brenda reaching for her purse.

_Was she leaving?_

She heard Rusty then voice her own thoughts, “Are you leaving?”

Sharon watched Brenda’s face over the heads of her children. The slight curling and uncurling of her hands around the handle of her overly indulgent purse was unsettling. The older woman’s heart began to race as she realized, just like the rest of the evening, the former Deputy Chief was attempting to escape.

“Well,” the blonde drawled, “I had so much fun, but it’s about time for me to head home.”

Sharon was moving now, through the doorway of the kitchen and around the couch, coming to rest on the side opposite Brenda. She rested her hands on the cushions and steadied her hip against the armrest; she willed her fingers to stay still.

“We haven’t decorated the tree yet,” she heard Emily point out.

Then it was Ricky, “Or finished the cookies.”

And finally Rusty again, “Or opened presents.”

Sharon watched as the blonde continued to gather her things, slipping her shoes back on her feet then attempting to straighten her sweater. She could see the other woman’s nerves and anxiety increasing as the objections continued. Something was off with Brenda and she needed to fix whatever it was now.

Sharon spoke up softly, “Are you sure, Brenda Leigh?”

The blonde nodded her head vigorously, looking from the older woman to her own hands. Her shoulders were slumped and she looked rather defeated. She reminded Sharon of a cornered animal, looking everywhere and anywhere for an exit.

“Please stay Brenda,” this now from Emily, who had been watching the blonde just as intently as her mother.

When Sharon locked eyes with her daughter, she knew the young woman understood what was happening here. She could see Brenda’s nervousness just as her mother could, could sense the shift in the blonde’s emotions. A burst of gratitude for Emily's perceptiveness radiated through Sharon's body.

“I…I can’t,” Brenda began.

Sharon spoke softly but with conviction, “Please.”

The simple phrase seemed to stop Brenda in her tracks, there was just enough sincerity in the older woman's voice to make it seem raw. She watched as Brenda looked form the kids on the couch, to the tree, and at last to Sharon. When their eyes finally met, the older brunette was struck by what she saw.

There was sadness so profound and a will to flee so strong, that Sharon felt as if she had been physically shoved backwards. The deeper and longer she looked, the more the Captain seemed to uncover; just in the back she could see a yearning, maybe even a need for the human contact the evening's festivities brought with it.

“Alright,” Brenda finally conceded.

Sharon released a breath she wasn’t aware that she had been holding.

“Ok,” she relented, “lets sit outside…I think we need to talk.”

Brenda’s face visibly paled, the color running from her pores like milk would from a carton. Sharon immediately regretted her choice of words; how that phrase must sound to the blonde in her confused and overly emotional state. She motioned for the younger woman to precede her through the door and once again out onto the balcony.

She could feel three sets of eyes on her back, the intensity of their stares boring separate hole through the fabric of her dress. Sharon turned slightly and winced at the door clicked shut.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you were looking forward to this chapter and their ‘talk’…lets hope you’ll still be thrilled after you read the direction I took them in…  A little shorter than normal, but I felt it was appropriate to end it here…
> 
>    
> As always reviews = love! It helps me improve my writing hearing the love from you guys or even polite criticism ;)

Sharon watched as Brenda pulled her sweater tighter around her body, trying in vain to ward off the cold.  The little puffs of air from the blonde’s nose could be seen in the crisp atmosphere, hurried and anxious.

_Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to talk out here after all…_

What was more disturbing was the fact that Brenda refused to make eye contact with the older woman.  It seemed that she was looking anywhere, even the wall above Sharon’s shoulder, but the brunette’s face in question.  She didn’t know quite what to make of it, Brenda was radiating an aura that screamed she needed reassurance, but from her body language Sharon wasn’t sure if a comforting touch would be welcome.  She decided it might be best for her to start the conversation, get a feel for where Brenda’s head was at and then she would proceed from there.

Sharon cleared her throat, “You’ve been quite reserved all evening.”

It was a statement, not a question and it was designed to draw a reaction.  She knew Brenda knew the tactic very well; she had employed it many times over the years on countless suspects.  The look she gave Sharon was one just short of contempt…maybe closer to annoyance, she knew what the Captain was doing and she knew it well.  Sharon cringed inwardly.

“Don’t treat me like one of your suspects,” the blonde bit out, “If you have a question, just ask it already.”

Sharon tilted her head to the side in confusion.  She knew her last comment would get a rise out of the younger woman, but she wondered where the surliness had come from.  She had been on the receiving end of Brenda’s temper more than once, in fact at the beginning it was all she saw.  Although as she came to know the other woman better she was shown so much more, all the sweet and terrifying emotions the blonde bottled up inside of her.   But this…she hadn’t seen this in quite some time.

“That wasn’t my intention Brenda Leigh…” but she was cut off.

“Well then what was it?” Brenda barked, “You know I don’t like bein’ treated like that, I don’t appreciate it.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have to ask if you had talked to me today,” Sharon shot back.

“I did talk to you,” the blonde insisted.

Sharon shook her head, “No, you were here but not really here...you were so distracted all day.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Brenda scoffed, “I helped make cookies and had dinner…even traded stories with the kids…”

The brunette sighed in frustration…this was going nowhere fast.  She wanted Brenda to open up, talk to her about what she was feeling.  Sure the two women talked, but about inconsequential things…everyday things.  Sharon knew her friend was hurting; she had compartmentalized all of her grief and sorrow into one neat package and then shoved it into the back of her closet. Sometimes she felt as if Brenda was a million miles away and she was stuck trying to keep up.

“You know I just …” she trailed off suddenly.

Brenda didn’t miss a beat, “What?”

Now it was Sharon’s turn to be studied and judging from the way she shrunk back from the blonde’s words, Brenda wasn’t going to like what she had to say.  Her arms were crossed over her chest and she seemed to be sizing up the younger woman, weighing whether what she wanted to say was worth the hassle and maybe even the fight in the end.

“Spit it out, Captain,” the use of her rank snapped Sharon back to the present.

It wasn’t necessarily the word itself, but the tone Brenda had used that ruffled Sharon’s feathers.  It had been her way of engaging Sharon when they had first met back when she had been investigating Major Crimes.  It seemed the other woman was in the mood for a knock down, drag out fight…she wouldn’t be disappointed.

The Captain’s voice was cold as she spoke, every syllable controlled and clipped.

 “If you didn’t want to be here Brenda,” she ignored the hurt look on the other woman’s face, “I wish you would have said so.”

It was as if the blonde had been slapped.   Sure she had contemplated canceling because she hadn’t felt she would be the best company tonight, but she had gone.  She’d gone for Sharon because she didn’t want to disappoint her, didn’t want to hear the sadness in her voice as she made some poor excuse not to attend.  She had come into the situation reluctant and apprehensive but she had persevered, maybe enjoy herself over all.

Brenda looked down at her boots, her fingers playing with the edge of her sweater, absentmindedly plucking at a loose thread.  She didn’t want to fight with Sharon and she certainly didn’t wish to stay any longer, but she couldn’t help herself it seemed.

“Why did you invite me Sharon?” she intoned quietly.

The brunette’s posture was still rigid, her eyes hard and her mouth firm.  She wasn’t taking the bait…she wouldn’t give Brenda the satisfaction.

“Hmmm?” the blonde prompted, “Some misguided sense of obligation maybe?”

At that Sharon’s eyes went wide, it seemed to all be clicking into place in her mind, unfortunately it was to late to stop the tirade from Brenda’s mouth.

She pushed away from the railing, “Poor Brenda, all alone on Christmas Eve.” her voice was taunting.

Sharon moved forward as well, “You know damn well that was not my intention...”

“Wasn’t it?” the blonde questioned, “Wasn’t that the first thing that popped into your head?”

 Sharon visibly backed up and sputtered helplessly. The blonde didn’t give the older woman a chance to respond, her time to talk was now over.

 “You see  _Captain,”_ emphasis on the title, “I’ve been on the receivin’ end of this situation more than once.”

Her control on her temper was long gone and the more upset she got, the thicker Brenda’s accent sounded.  How dare Sharon try to make her out to be the bad guy and she the victim, the inconvenienced.

_How dare she!_

“Its not a nice feelin’ to be invited out of pity.”  Brenda’s voice shook on the last word.

The brunette was looking at her now, but she wasn’t sure how to name the emotions she saw flowing across Sharon’s face.  She felt a sense of triumph and relief knowing she had caused any kind of reaction from the indomitable Sharon Raydor.  That the brunette was now the one who felt misplaced and anxious, just a taste of what Brenda had felt practically all evening.

 All of a sudden the anger and resentment the younger woman had felt, all the heat coursing through her body, gave way.  She didn’t want to fight or say things she’d later regret.  All she wanted to do was drive home and crawl under the covers; maybe sleep until New Year’s.  Her chest was beginning to ache with the effort of holding back her tears and her head was beginning to swim.

“No one should be alone on Christmas,” Brenda repeated.

Sharon started toward her, “Brenda...”

The younger woman held up her hand in the gesture to stop, she didn’t want to her it, not another word.  She could feel the sting of tears at the corners of her eyes and cursed her body for betraying her.  She needed to say her peace and leave; she couldn’t imagine breaking down in front of Sharon, let alone her children.

“I don’t know if it was just your pity that made you invite me or if I was truly wanted here tonight,” she paused, “and to be completely honest I’m not sure if I want to know.”

Brenda cleared her throat, desperately trying to dislodge the growing lump that was there, hoping against everything that she would be able to keep it together.

“However, I do know that I’m going to leave before I say anythin’ I’d regret.”

With that Brenda tried to slip past Sharon and towards the sliding glass door, but the older woman reached out to grasp her sleeve gently. The blonde’s head whipped to the side and the look the older woman received was clearly understood.  The younger woman’s eyes were cold and distant, but when she locked eyes with Sharon anger and resentment could clearly be seen…maybe even a shadow of disappointment.

“Let go of me,” Brenda hissed through clenched teeth.

For the first time in a long time Sharon did as she was ordered and her hand released the blonde.  It was as if she had been burned…and perhaps she had been.

“Brenda, please,” Sharon tried again.

The pleading fell on deaf ears as Brenda silently slipped through the doors to the living room.  Sharon watched with a heavy heart as the blonde once again reclaimed her bag and went through the round of goodbyes.  Her features were schooled well enough but Sharon could see through the mask; the smile she wore was more of a grimace, the tears just barely kept at bay.

She watched as Rusty gingerly rose form the couch and walked Brenda towards the door, a look of utter confusion crossing his face.  He looked briefly to the balcony, connecting eyes with Sharon only long enough for him to she her slight headshake. 

_Do not ask_ , it said, _now is neither the time nor the place_.

 A slight question in his eyes, he turned back to Brenda who had already opened the door and slipped through.  Sharon couldn’t hear the goodbye, but she could feel the reverberation of the door shutting.  She let her head fall and smack against the concrete of the wall.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy…this chapter is a little angsty!
> 
>  
> 
> As always reviews are love!

 Sharon had tried calling Brenda…several times.  Here it was just a little after midnight and the older woman found herself hanging up the phone once again, the sound of Brenda’s recorded voice echoing in her ears.

The kids were asleep, Ricky snoring on the couch opposite the love seat she sat on and Emily was tucked away in her bedroom. Rusty, she assumed, was in his bedroom as well.  Well at least he had been until Sharon heard the door creak softly open followed by the soft tread of footsteps.  He came into view as he rounded the corner, blonde hair shinning in the light of the now decorated tree.

“Still no answer?” he questioned, sitting down just in front of loveseat. 

He was close enough that Sharon could reach out and gently ruffled the teenager’s hair, but he was also giving her a sense of space.  She ran her fingers through the strands of his hair gently, humming softly with each pass.

“She’s extremely upset with me,” Sharon murmured quietly.

Rusty leant back into her touch and spoke quietly, “That’s an understatement.”

Sharon curled forward slightly and rested her chin in the palm of her hand.  She had no idea honestly how she had let the evening get so out of hand.  She had tried so hard, so very hard, to engage Brenda and make her feel welcome and for all her hard work it had seemed to backfire on her.

 “She didn’t look good when she first got here,” Rusty thought aloud.

 Sharon froze and her hand stilled, “Really…how so?”

The boy shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know…sad maybe?  She just seemed to be a little overwhelmed is all.”

The older woman nodded her head absentmindedly; she had noticed the same behavior in Brenda but hadn’t been able to guess the reason as to the mood change.  She hadn’t handled the situation very well, she should have known better than to start out their personal conversation like she was interrogating a suspect.  She also knew of Brenda’s penchant for privacy these days, one of the reasons they got along so well, and she should have moved the conversation some where more private; away from the prying eyes of her children that they were both painfully aware were trained on them.

The older woman’s head fell back with exhaustion and landed softy against the cushion of the couch.  She shouldn’t have accused Brenda of not wanting to be there; she had shown up hadn’t she?  Maybe it was Sharon’s own fault for not understanding the signals the blonde had been sending her all evening…maybe all of it was just too much for her.  And in Sharon’s strive to make sure everyone was enjoying themselves she had some how missed how miserable her friend had been, unable to see through the mask she now knew Brenda had worn all evening.

Sharon sighed quietly, “I think I made a big mistake.”

The teenager didn’t say anything but she could tell he was still listening, waiting for her to continue and doing what he did best. He would listen and let her use him as a sounding board; it was something they did for one another occasionally.

“Maybe she wasn’t ready for this,” the older woman reasoned, “what if I so wanted to do the right thing, but ended up doing the wrong thing.”

Rusty made a sound that eerily resembled one of her own hums; it made her smile slightly.  He shifted, turning so he could see Sharon where she was perched, his eyes quiet with understanding.  He and Brenda were more alike than they seemed; both enjoyed solitude, their own space and their privacy…he could only imagine how he would have felt if he’d been in the blonde’s shoes.  But somehow he wasn’t so sure that the holiday festivities were what were making Brenda so anxious, there had to be something more to the story

Sharon kept talking, “Her whole tone changed after our phone….”

The brunette stopped talking abruptly; everything seemed to be piecing together suddenly.  It wasn’t meeting her kids or her holiday traditions that had set Brenda on edge it had been Sharon herself. 

She had been surprised when Brenda had let the confession slip while they were on the phone earlier in the day.  Shocked was probably the more fitting term; she hadn’t had a chance to respond before Brenda was hurrying to change the subject. She had seemed almost afraid of what Sharon might say.

The older woman had felt something brewing between them from sometime, but had chosen to ignore it.  She knew Brenda better than she knew anyone else and vice versa.  She had been there for the blonde when no one else seemed to care or when they were unable to break through her carefully constructed walls.

There were times where they would cuddle on the couch and Sharon could see the silent war waging inside the blonde’s head as she sat on the other end of the couch.  Physical contact wasn’t something she seemed to be comfortable with, but now Sharon wondered if it didn’t have to do with feelings of grief as she’d originally thought, but and exercise of restraint on Brenda’s part.  Maybe Brenda assumed that the older woman couldn’t or wouldn’t reciprocate her feelings and was guarding how she truly felt.

_It all made sense._

 Sharon shot up form the loveseat, tripping over Rusty in the process, and made her way fro the door.  Unwilling to waste time changing she stuffed her sock clad feet and the bottoms of her black yoga pants into her beloved uggs.  She reached inside the hall closet for a jacket and pulled out the firs thing she could find and stuffed her arms inside. 

“I’ll be back, she huffed,” straightening her collar, “If Em or Ricky asks…”

Rusty interrupted her, “Don’t worry, I’ll cover for you.”

He watched as she grabbed for her keys and wallet that lay on the entry table, almost knowing the bowl off it in her hurry. Although Sharon wasn’t looking at him as she closed the door softly behind her, she could clearly sense the smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

 

Brenda hadn’t made it far since she’d been home. She was able to keep it together through the miserable elevator ride to Sharon’s lobby and into the parking garage. She half imagined that the older woman would chase her down like on of those black and white romance movies her Mama had like so much.  Imagine her disappointment when there was no telltale _tap tap tap_ of Sharon’s heels on the pavement behind her.           

            She even kept together through the seemingly endless ride across town and in the elevator ride to her own apartment.  She wouldn’t give Sharon the satisfaction of a breakdown in public…she would wait until she could crawl under her covers and sob safely.  However, the moment Brenda heard the click of her door as it shut she lost all her resolve and slid down to the floor in front of it. 

She pulled her knees to her chest as her body was wracked with painful and violent sobs.  She buried her hands into her hair and pulled at the locks as if they were the ones causing her the distress.  Her breath became shallow and her heart began to beat faster, she could feel the rush of her blood through her veins…it made her sick.

She was either going to be lose the contents of her stomach or pass out; she hadn’t had a panic attack since her sophomore year of college.  She forgot how helpless she felt or how the spots would dance in front of her eyes; how her vision and her head would spin.  Her body had broken out into a cold sweat; she could feel the stickiness on her skin and her palms.

In all the haze she could distantly hear the ring of her cell phone.  She reached for her purse shakily and began to dump the contents.  Her hands were numb as she searched the floor until she came upon the device whose screen was lit.  The name that graced the screen was one she wasn’t yet ready to see; she wasn’t ready to commiserate or explain herself to Sharon. 

_She could hardly breathe._

She squeezed her hand shut around the offending device before throwing it limply across the room; she heard it skid to a halt somewhere. Her hands then came to rest over her ears, trying in vain to shut the world out, not wanting to face the reality of the situation.

She had read into the situation much more than she should have; she had assumed so many things and made a fool of herself in the process. She assumed that Sharon had felt the same way, or maybe it wasn’t a full-blown feeling just yet but it could have been something that developed into more.  There was so much potential, but Brenda was too afraid to address the issues.   She had always been a coward in that regard, more than willing to go after any criminal or suspect, but make her face her personal life and that was something she just couldn’t do.

Brenda wouldn’t be able to handle the rejection if she ever did confront Sharon and to be completely honest she wasn’t sure she would. Clearly if Sharon’s behavior and her comments were anything to go by then she didn’t see things the same way Brenda did.

  _If you didn’t want to be here Brenda, I wish you would have said so._

_No one should be alone on Christmas._

_You were so distracted all day…_

All the things the older woman had said were now ruminating inside Brenda’s head, she could actually hear them in Sharon’s voice. 

It wasn’t that she had been invited over out of pity, whether Sharon wanted to admit it or not, it was the way that she had pretended everything was ok.  She was so focused on making sure the holiday went off without a hitch that she hadn’t been able to see Brenda’s uneasy attitude.  The blonde had been so worried about ruining the evening for everyone but her friend had barely noticed her struggle.

She didn’t think that Sharon had done this on purpose, but more to the fact that she was excited for the holiday and to see her children. Which is why Brenda should have followed through this morning and used some excuse not to go.  She wouldn’t be in the mess she’s in now or the puddle she became just inside her front door.

She felt herself sink even lower to the floor, her cheek coming into contact with the cool wood and a relief to her overheated system. Everything seemed to be in slow motion, a swirling mass of emotion that she couldn’t seem to stop.  The last thing she remembered was a feeling of fatigue so powerful that she couldn’t physically move.  Brenda counted the breaths she took as she watched the edges of her vision grow dark, the ring beginning to circle inward.

The distant ringing of her phone the last thing she remembered hearing.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in the process of moving my favorite stories from ff.net over here; I've selected the few that I love dearly. Some of them I'm going to continue...
> 
> I''m also looking for new material to begin writing again, I truly do miss working with these characters. If you have something you'd like to suggest or have an idea you'd like me to tackle, send me a message. We can discuss :)
> 
> Also I would just like to state that I have based Brenda's anxiety and her panic attacks after my own experiences; I have lived with anxiety and panic attacks as well as depression from the time I was thirteen. I do not claim for these experiences to represent everyone on the spectrum, because mental illness is a spectrum, I only humbly share what I have gone through and survived.


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